We as humans love to describe stuff. To describe more easily we categorise, especially when it comes to music. Now, the internet is a catalyst for our creative habits – we have categorised thousands of genres and sub genres. Artists create new genres online that are picked up by the masses and Chinese whispered down the web. Let's have a look at the results: the music scene's worst genre and sub-genre titles. Feel free to name your worst sub-genre names in the comments section....
There are too many "insert-genre-here-cores" to mention, but most of the ridiculous ones seem to stem from death metal and electronic music. Here is a choice selection: breakcore, nintendocore, queercore, pornocore, nerdcore, slowcore, jesuscore, mathcore, cuddlecore, christian hardcore and frenchcore. Best of all is surely "crabcore", which you can read all about here.
9. Jump Up
It isn't exactly the most flattering name for a DnB genre is it? There's something about this name that, when you say it, makes you feel like a bit of a twat. DJ Hype's Playaz legacy got pigeonholed under this term, and the man himself absolutely hates it. Therefore, jump up doesn't exist. It is officially dead. Move along now. There's nothing to see.
Why not just call it "superangry" or "bigfighty"? I mean, come on. Although it sounds like it was created in some kind of horrendous rave in a field, powerviolence actually stems from a late-'80s anarchy movement. It's very powerful and very violent and very angry. So at least it lives up to its name. But... fuck these guys who came up with powerviolence, because they blatantly started that trend of beardy men screaming things that no one can understand into mics:
What is baggy? A stash of drugs? The style of your jeans? Your mum's face? No. It's a British dance-influenced sub-genre that was popular in the ecstasy daze of the late '80s and early '90s. It was built out of a psychedelic and acid house fusion, guitars and usually a Funky Drummer beat. And it was influenced by a genre with an equally retarded name – "Madchester". If you must know, baggy got its moniker from its fans' style of clothing. And when baggy died, many of its bands evolved into Britpop acts. For this reason, baggy deserves its grave to be stamped on.
Cybergrind sounds like something from a future version of World of Warcraft where players immerse themselves into the game via techno-organic technology and bone elves. This is actually a subgenre of "grindcore" – a horrible style of music that mixes together the world's most abrasive art forms like industrial, noise and death metal. What sets cybergrind apart is that it's electronic. Check out this precursor to cybergrind – a grindcore classic – called You Suffer by Napalm Death, which is in the Guinness Book of Records for being the shortest song. Ever.
Aggrotech is a very stupid name. A very stupid name breeds stupider alternative names: "hellektro" and "terror EBM" for example. It's an evolution of "dark electro" and "electro-industrial", which is basically an equation for shit. You'd think that something called aggrotech would be really menacing, but it's more camp than anything else. Unsettlingly, aggrotech group Combichrist's dreadful Get Your Body Beat video has nearly 2,000,000 views on YouTube. It sounds like kind of thing your mum would pretend to like to make her feel young again.
Also known as folktronica, electrofolk is where folk meets electro. Imagine sampling traditional, stringed folk instruments and layering them over hip-hop rhythms. This is the frightening reality of the sub-genre known as electrofolk:
3. Something-that-rhymes-with-hip hop
Take a step back for a minute. Take the words "hip" and "hop" out of context. Hip is the kind of word your Dad uses to describe something good, that makes you cringe with embarrassment. And in this case, "hip" is an adjective used to articulate how one "hops" or "dances" to music. But hip hop is great, so we won't diss it. What we will diss is people who try replace hip with a rhyming word to create a new genre. Trip hop? Glitch hop? Get the hell out of here.
What was the first "step" subgenre? It was probably hardstep from the mid-'90s. Grooverider's first record label was called Hardstep and only had one release, which is one of the best jungle tunes of all time called Special Dedication. Next came techstep, something of a contradiction... you see, the word "tech" makes you think of electronic equipment and Matrixy stuff, right? But then the word "step" conjures some guy in his loafers tap dancing in a rave. Recently we've had drumstep, joystep and brostep (the latter two actually are apparently two breakaway splinters of dubstep according to MTV). Of course how can we forget clownstep and skullstep but at least these were originally created in an ironic, derogatory way.
"Put a donk on it" is a phrase often used in the heroin-addled wasteland that is the north of England. Donk is a bit like an evil spell cast by the devil that keeps no-hopers locked in a period of cultural stasis. In the British Bermuda Triangle, steroid-fuelled lepers dance to the worst genre of music EVER created and have the time of their lives. It's hard to describe, just watch this video and prepare to be mentally scarred.
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